Remember the time when you cried so hard you couldn’t breathe? Remember the time you hated the morning because that meant you had to face the day and you felt too weak to even get out of bed? Remember the time it seemed as if everything was going wrong around you and you didn’t know if you could survive?
There comes a point in a woman’s life that is far more stressful than her wedding day, and almost as traumatizing as menopause. The day when she realizes that no matter what she does, no matter how much she tries to play it down, she will beyond a doubt always be way to good for any living man.
Her fabulosity, drive and ambition will always seem to outshine that of a mans, and her strength and courage make it impossible to depend on him. She will try search oceans and foreign lands, and she may even get close, but no one will ever be able to love her as much as she loves herself. But once she accepts this and gets past the burdens that come with being totally amazing, then she can move on and find someone who not “completes” her for she is complete, not “saves” her for she does not need saving, but complements her, helps her learn more about herself, and loves her to the best of his ability.
This man. Will just have to do.
Yesterday i was sitting on my bed, skecthing for fun when i decided to draw a self portrait. I started drawing the outline of my face, and then suddenly stopped. I couldn’t draw anything else; i wasn’t sure how much my eyes slanted, or of the exact shape of my lips… if i kept on drawing i would have ended up drawing a stranger.
It is a strange thing, you would think after looking at yourself in the mirror for over 20 years, you would know for sure exactly how you look like… but it really is hard to remember every little detail of your face.
This made me realize that if someone came to me and asked me who i was, the same thing would happen, i would be able to give them an outline but filling in the details would be a challenge. Maybe it is because we are ever changing, evergrowing. Sometimes it feels like when i am getting used to being one way, something happends in my life that teaches me different.
It’s not a bad thing… just knowing the outline of who you are, because at least with outlines you have boundaries, you have a guideline of the person you want to be. The details can always be figured out later.
So This time last week i was passed out in my bed, having drank too many glasses of wine at some Trend forecasting seminar (which sounded interesting before the talks started) .
I get out of bed, and find my apartment empty; my roommate and friends no where to be seen and then i feel something strange on my left hand. You will probably be as surprised as i was to realize that i had an earing in the web of my hand. Somehow between discussing a new piercing and intoxication my mind failed me and i thought it was a good idea to remove the stud from my ear and shove it into my hand.
Oh how i love myself sometimes. I thought about taking it out, and i almost did, but something about it was charming, but mostly completely insane. After washing my new piercing i went back to bed wondering how many other people could say they happily stabbed their hands.
Now it is healing well and even though this is still probably not the brightest idea i had, it is in a way a celebration of my youth, and the fact that the man who is going to propose to me will be looking at a hand with a hole, and thinking that he is fine marrying a woman who is mentally unstable :P
i dont trust you
you dont trust me
we are both heartbreakers
and no one wants to leave
we fight more than make up
we are consumed by our pride
its always a competition
and someone ends up crying
it feels like more pain than love
and you can’t stop lying
the only thing thats right
is the fact that this is wrong
i better listen to my mind
and move the hell on